I made all of these up, unless mentioned otherwise.
When a baby is born it is called a delivery, so what is it called when you have your liver removed?
What does self-explanatory mean?
If enough people say “hey” to you at the same time, could you make a heystack?
If someone was caught stealing hay, could you bale them out of jail?
Is dying to try better than trying to die?
Can you keep your mind active by jogging your memory?
When you walk into a radio station, is that the reception?
Is there a remote chance of finding the TV control in the sofa?
When surgeons operate on old people, do they listen to hip op music?
When I pilot goes on holiday, does that mean he takes off work?
Does helping someone steal a handbag make me an accessory?
If you give someone weed at a trance party, does that make it a transplant?
Why was the fireplace happy? It was stoked.
Some people end their sentences with a preposition, but what for?
If you delete the recycle bin, where does it go?
Does Batman makes phone calls on his bat-mobile?
Do engineers find their jobs riveting?
If DNA scientists can take a letter out of the human genome, does that mean they can make gnomes?
If you integrate a function you get the area under a curve. But if you disintegrate a function, does it fall apart?
Do ATMs suffer from withdrawal symptoms?
You get random acts of kindness… well, what about random kinds of acting?
Does food get stuck in your teeth because of the Law of Cavity?
Would a fast, red chocolate be a Ferrari Roche?
Was the brilliant artist Van Gogh absinthe-minded? (He was addicted to absinthe and some brilliant people are absent-minded)
2009 is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo moon landing. Well, Apollo is a Greek god, but if you translate “pollo” from Italian to English you get “chicken”. So on splashdown, instead of “Eagle” could they have said “The Chicken has landed”?
Fadd me on Acebook.
Contrary to popular belief, the public is always right.
My set of drawing stencils have disappeared, without a trace.
Hey, look what I did with my last few Smarties! (famous last words).
Don’t judge a cook by its oven.
Too many witches spoil the broth.
I know the way to the Palm Reader’s house like the back of my hand.
Since we passed the Dotcom Bubble, no one surfs the internet for WAVs on a motherboard anymore, they just get caught Phishing with the Net and all the pirates dock at a USB port.
Don’t tell people that a scale should measure Newtons and not Kilograms – it might cause mass panic.
I’ve never had a splinter before, touch wood.
I once went to a club in Cape Town called “Fiction”. True story…
When in Rome… set your phone to roamin’.
In a perfect world, no one would say “In a perfect world there would be …”
Life is a series of awkward moments, separated by people saying “Well, this is awkward…”
Nostalgia is so last year.
Coffee: the most important meal of the day. (Everyone seems to relate well to this when I mention it.)
When we both had the same idea, someone told me “Great minds think alike.” I told them that great minds don’t compare themselves to other great minds. 😛
Making a CD-R is like going to the gym: you get ripped and feel the burn.
Time travel is so last week.
I hate clichés with a passion.
I dropped a bottle of spring water and it bounced. True story.
In hindsight, I wish I’d had eyes on the back of my head.
I play the mouth organ, but I would never harm Monica, but I try not to mouth harp on about it.
A doctor a day keeps the apple away.
Artists can put paint on a palette, but that doesn’t make it palatable.
When a friend yawns, I say “Yeah, you said it” in agreement.
Never borrow or use other people’s words. And you can quote me on that.
I think I have hypochondria, but my doctor keeps telling me I am just imagining it.
I never use innuendos, if you know what I mean…
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like pie.
Roses are red, violets are red… I’m colour blind!
Each sold separately.
This is the Matrix. There is no spoonerism.
I saw a robot beggar and gave him my chips and some spare cache. (If you live in SA you might pick up that could be a beggar who’s a robot or a beggar at the traffic lights).
I play guitar but I also like to play the fool.
A musician walks into a bar, counts to 4, then goes to the next bar.
Martinis. Shaken, not slurred.
Chinese Martini. Shaken, not stirfried.
Aston Martini. Shaken, not swerved.
Ancient Greek Martini. Kraken, not stirred.
You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your memories.
I looked up “Vide supra” in the dictionary because I noticed it around. It said “see above”. So I looked a the entry above – “Vide infra” which said “see below.” I had myself an infinite loop there… until I realised that “Vide supra” actually means “see above” in Latin.
Things that come up in conversation
I found an alligator costume for a friend to wear at a Neverland 21st and I said he should have worn Crocs shoes with it.
My superpower seems to be sneaking up on people by accident. So I have started doing it on purpose for fun. (Hmm should I use my powers for good or evil?)
I came in the back door of a morning lecture and found a friend sitting down. I appeared next to her, leaned in and whispered “Like a ninja”. She got such as fright said “Why would you do that!? You almost gave me heart attack”.
There’s another friend who I sneak up on regularly and she usually screams. There are two girls that I surprise separately and one day I snuck on both at the same time so the one said “you’re getting good”.
“I do recognise you. You’re just a lot hairier than I remember” – Raiven Hansmann
Some I met at UCT told me “For someone who’s obviously highly intelligent, you say the most random things.” I replied: “Thank you… I think.”
This happens quiet a lot…
A friend: “Huh? I’m confused.”
Me: “That’s the point.” or “I try to mess with people’s minds.”
Me : “I was trying to confuse you. Did it work?”
A friend: “Yes”
Me : “Good.”
I used this line twice when a Swedish person was mentioned in conversation.
Me: “Well, you know what they say about people from Sweden…”
A friend: “What?”
Me : “I don’t know, what DO they say about people from Sweden?”
I heard about a man looking for a lung donor, so I said “Well, he shouldn’t hold his breathe for one…”
A friend: “But they’re gonna get themselves killed…”
Me: “…or die trying.” (I use this line often)
Randomly in a group, I’ll act surprised and say “Did I just say that out loud?”, pause… then say “Oh, I guess not.”
Someone said ♫And a partridge in a pear tree. So I responded ♫And a cartridge in a printer…
One time outside a class in primary school, our teacher asked us “Why didn’t you take the initiative and go inside?” Someone replied “No one told us to.”
During 2008 in England, children at the school told me:
“You’re old for you age.”
“Speak South African.”
“Where did you learn English?”
“How do you speak English so well?”
“Why aren’t you black?”
“What’s it like in Australia?” (Most people there thought I was Australian.)
Talking to fellow gap students:
Jason: “You just pop out of holes from nowhere.”
Me: “It’s what I do.”
James: “…and that’s football in a nutshell”.
Me: “Well, that must be a pretty small football.”
James: “Well if I’m on fire, man, I’m on fire. Fire happens.”