Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, “How do you drive this thing?”
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
“Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor says, “Tell him I can’t see him!”
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why don’t blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “I’m positive.”
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.
A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind.” The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, “Weren’t you just in here?” The rope replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?
Bad analogies from books
I saw her sitting at the bar. I approached. “Hello,” she said in a voice so husky it could pull a dogsled.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
A drummer walks into a music store and says, “I’ll buy that accordion over there.” The cashier says, “You must be a drummer. That’s the radiator.”
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.
Why does a drummer keep his drumsticks on the dashboard? So he can park in the handicapped spots.
Backup my hard drive? How do I get it in reverse?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Failing to plan is planning to fail.
TV and Books
Joey from Friends: “What do they call Chinese food in China? Is it just food?”
(IT Crowd)”Wow. I didn’t know Smarties made cereal.” “They don’t. I just mix Smarties with milk for breakfast.”
(IT Crowd) Moss: You best put seatbelts on your ears, Roy, because I’m gonna take them for the ride of their lives.
Sorry, I would love to talk to you (about insurance) right now but I am busy, so I can I phone you back on your home number this evening? … No, you don’t want me to, you’re not allowed to do that? Now you know how I feel. *puts down phone*
“Are you crazy?”
“No, I’m a pirate.” – Janitor
Red Dwarf book:
Always at crisis times in his life, Rimmer asked himself the question: ‘What would Napoleon do?’
‘Something French’, he thought. ‘Probably munch on a croissant, and decide to invade Russia. Not really relevant’, he decided, ‘in this particular scenario’.
“The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.” – Arthur Bloch
There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through… There needs to be a monster truck option. – Jeph Jacques
“Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.”
“Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.”
“He who laughs last doesn’t get the joke.”
“There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don’t.”
“It is human nature to think wisely and act in an absurd fashion.”
“When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.” – Jimi Hendrix
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” – Robert Benchley.
“I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
Jay London – “I saw a stationery store move.”
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
WC Fields – “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
“Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want.” -Unknown
“Do you listen to horses and do what they say? Doesn’t everyone?”
“Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.”
Well if you break your legs, don’t come running to me!
One in five people make up 20% of the world’s population.
Four out of the five voices in my head say I’m not crazy.
5 out 4 people can’t do maths.
What goes in circles, also goes the other way in circles.
The Monkees CD:
-I just got back from Africa. I was playing cards with the natives.
-No, actually I won.
Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery and
Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.